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“You weren’t completely forthright,” I stated to the sales rep who stared back at me and gulped. I could see his Adam’s apple slowly move down then up, right back into place.
“I was honest and clear with your husband when I sold him the devices,” he replied, grabbing the mouse in front of his computer screen. “I can show you.”
“No, you were not honest and I just want my money back.” I gave him a deadpan glare.
A few days ago, I had a not-so-pleasant interaction with a cell phone provider sales rep. He essentially bamboozled us into purchasing items, claiming we'd be paying less than we currently are.
After uncovering the deceit, I returned to the store after work, returned one of the devices, and demanded my money back. While returning the device was easy, getting my money back on the charges has proven difficult.
When I arrived home with no money in hand, I recounted the conversation to my husband. Always being honest, he pointed out that the conversation did not have to end the way it did. He was right.
One way to manage conflict so it is productive is through a collaborative approach where everyone involved works together and arrives at a resolution.
Instead of going into the store guns blazing and very annoyed, I should have taken some of my own advice about how to engage in a difficult conversation. Instead of letting my emotions drive my interaction, I should have followed the steps I follow every day as a principal.
In this post, I’ll review the concept of productive conflict and what not to do when confronted with a heated conversation. I’ll also explain a seven-step process that will help you handle challenging conversations not only in your school, but also in your day-to-day life.
Productive Conflict vs. Unproductive Conflict
Believe it or not, conflict can be healthy. In general, conflict occurs when there is disagreement between individuals. When personal agendas or goals drive interactions and there is an inability to balance the former with others’ needs, you have an incendiary powder keg ready to go boom. 💥
Instead of letting things go boom, once conflict arises, transition into conflict management mode. When properly handled, conflict can encourage an organization's growth and even drive innovation. But again, the ones involved need to handle the conflict properly.
One way to manage conflict so it is productive is through a collaborative approach where everyone involved works together and arrives at a resolution. If you maintain an open perspective and engage in active listening and respectful communication, you can move toward the best outcome for all involved.
Now, conflict can run amock when people do not approach the exchange with the proper mindset or the right communication style. If you move from focusing on the actual issue to engaging in ad hominems, you’ll get something like the exchange we all saw this past week in the presidential debate when Trump and Biden unabashedly critiqued each other’s golf game. 😖
Generally, people don’t get quite as escalated as Trump and Biden, but even silence that can ensue after a conflict can be just as deadly to the culture of a school. The gossip that permeates the culture because of a mishandling of conflict can be so incredibly toxic. Noxious fumes engulfing your school.
If you consistently avoid conflict, then resentment will build and you will create a very unsafe and toxic culture.
Now, productive conflict gets you what you want without all the drama and damage of unproductive conflict. With productive conflict, you focus on the issue and don’t engage in ad hominem. You may even have pre-established norms that help guide the group conversations.
Eschewing conflict altogether might be comfortable at the moment, but the long-term consequences can be extremely damaging. If you dodge conflict, you’ll avoid having that difficult conversation with the person who is not serving students, who is always late, or who is not treating their colleagues with dignity and respect. If you consistently avoid conflict, then resentment will build and you will create a very unsafe and toxic culture.
If you continually shirk your responsibility to have difficult conversations, something called “conflict debt” can build. And I don’t know about you, but I like to live debt-free.
According to HBR, conflict debt “is the sum of all undiscussed and unresolved issues that stand in the way of progress.” So pay back that debt by committing to addressing conflicts in a manner that will lead to growth and reconciliation.
A 7-Step Process to Handle Difficult Conversations
We can see that conflict is a necessary and inevitable part of life. So how can we go about having a successful, difficult conversation? Follow the seven steps below to ensure your next conversation is a triumph and not a dud:
1. Maintain calm and composure
I can not emphasize the importance of entering a difficult conversation with the right mindset. When I busted into that cell phone store, my frame of reference was distorted. We must maintain calm and composure if we want to have productive conversations.
Ever heard of Brene Brown’s saying, “Clear is kind”? Yes, this is true, but some take her words out of context and use them as a carte blanche statement to audaciously criticize others. Yes, you need to be honest and clear, but you also need to be kind in your tone and maintain composure. Communicate in a way that does not shatter relationships. Treat others with dignity and respect.
Instead of grilling someone publicly with a litany of pointed questions, reconsider your approach. You get more flies with honey than vinegar. 🐝 Explain how much you appreciate the thought and effort someone put into their presentation and ask questions using “I” statements. Or maybe it would be best to have a conversation one-on-one and give them the opportunity to digest your perspective.
Whatever you decide, maintain calm and composure. 🌞 🌈
Listen intently to their perspective and invite them to speak first so you disrupt the ingrained power dynamic.
2. Clarify the purpose
Once you start the conversation, be very clear about the purpose. Communicate the purpose in a way that will get buy-in and not put the other person on the defensive. Remember, you need to work with the other person toward a solution.
Conflict resolution and difficult conversations are not a one-way street, so make sure you jump from the starting line with vitality, focus, and the other person close by your side.
3. Invite perspectives
Once you clarify the purpose of the conversation, invite others to share their perspective. This immediately de-escalates a situation and puts them in a position of power. This is particularly important if you are in a role that automatically has power (ie. principal). Listen intently to their perspective and invite them to speak first so you disrupt the ingrained power dynamic.
4. Share your perspective
Once others share their perspectives, it is time to bring forth your perspective. Even though you are sharing your perspective, try to be as neutral and objective as possible. If you recognize that you did not respond or handle something appropriately, own that.
“Clear is kind” goes both ways and we need to own our actions. This might feel daunting and exposing, but the point of a difficult conversation is not to prove one side right and the other wrong, it is to move toward a greater understanding of the issue and arrive at an agreed-upon solution.
5. Create Agreement
Now comes the heart of the work…. trying to create agreement. There may be expectations you need to review and agree upon or there may be some issues you need to fix. Whatever the reason behind your conversation, work jointly with the other individual(s) to ensure you are co-creating the solution.
Even if you are meeting to discuss an issue like not following expectations, work with the other person and ensure that they feel supported when following the new standard of expectations. If you fail to do this part of the conversation, you will be right back at square one in no time.
6. Kindly close
As you wrap up the conversation, ensure you take time to close kindly. Show your appreciation and ensure the other person involved feels ok. It might take them time to process so you might not get much in the moment or you might get water works.
Do not skip this step which adds the human element to any difficult conversation.
. . . the point of a difficult conversation is not to prove one side right and the other wrong, it is to move toward a greater understanding of the issue and arrive at an agreed-upon solution.
7. Follow-up
The conversation was had. You have your agreement in place. And you kindly closed. Time has passed. Now you need to follow up.
This can look different depending on the situation, but the common denominator is that you do not want too much time to pass. Whatever your intention, follow up with the other person to make sure they are meeting the agreed-upon plan, feel supported, and are in a good emotional space.
One Last Thought
Looking back at my conversation with the sales rep, I will admit I made some mistakes. Instead of entering the store in the mindset I was in, I should have maintained my calm and composure. I should have led with honey rather than the vinegar.
If I had simply remembered these steps, perhaps I could have changed the outcome of the conversation. But more importantly, I would have left the store proud of the way I handled myself in a difficult conversation.
References
Cooper, B. & Kerrigan, E.. (2020, September 25). Productive vs. Unproductive Conflict in the Workplace - HR Daily Advisor. HR Daily Advisor. https://hrdailyadvisor.blr.com/2020/10/02/productive-vs-unproductive-conflict-in-the-workplace/
Davey, L. (2019, March 21). An Exercise to Help Your Team Feel More Comfortable with Conflict. Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2019/03/an-exercise-to-help-your-team-feel-more-comfortable-with-conflict
Ronquillo, Y., Ellis, V. L., & Toney-Butler, T. J. (2023, July 3). Conflict management. StatPearls - NCBI Bookshelf. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK470432/
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