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The honeymoon period is over. In the rearview mirror is the calm and serenity of the start of the year and straight out in front of us is the sometimes bumpy, careening road that we call the school year.
Almost every year, October brings on that “October surprise” and I’m not talking about politics. The year's grind is in full swing and behaviors start to ramp up. As educators, we always seem shocked when this happens, but like clockwork, it comes.
It is too easy to stay in swirly mode and just be angry that a child is displaying unexpected behavior.
While scrolling through LinkedIn this past week, I landed on a post with this quote:
“Be the teacher that sees the light in a student when others only see disruption and inconvenience.”
It is too easy to stay in swirly mode and just be angry that a child is displaying unexpected behavior. But if we stop for a moment in our flurry of frustration and truly see a child for all the wonderful, beautiful things they are and can be, then maybe we can help that child become and do better.
In this week’s post, we’ll examine the concept of behavior being a form of communication. Then, I’ll provide five tips to keep in mind when confronted with the challenging behaviors that we will all face sooner or later.
How Children's Behavior Communicates Their Needs
Have you ever seen a baby screaming their little head off? Tears gushing from their eyes, limbs flailing? That baby screams because they do not have the words to express their wants and needs.
Similar to that baby, children (and adults), often use behavior as a means to communicate their needs and emotions. When we recognize that behavior aligns with an underlying need, we can better respond to that need and educate the child on how to appropriately communicate.
When children feel overwhelmed, anxious, or unsupported, they may exhibit behaviors that outwardly seem disruptive or challenging. For example, a child who suddenly becomes withdrawn may not be avoiding participation but rather signaling discomfort or fear (Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning [CSEFEL], 2008).
Children who hit to get what they want may be mimicking behavior they see at home, on social media, or on TV. When adults interpret these behaviors compassionately and seek to teach, the children will learn the appropriate way to communicate.
When we recognize that behavior aligns with an underlying need, we can better respond to that need and educate the child on how to appropriately communicate.
Children often communicate their needs through emotional displays such as crying, yelling, or physical responses. Younger children may cry when they are hungry, tired, or overwhelmed, while older children may express frustration through defiance or withdrawal. Recognizing these signs as attempts to express feelings is essential to supporting their emotional development (Gartrell, 2012).
When my kids wake up from a nap, I’m fully prepared with a snack in hand because I know they will be hungry. I’ve experienced too many times their hangry attitudes and try to be proactive. Having snacks ready to go when they come downstairs or making sure they eat before nap time can decrease the chances of the after-nap firestorm.
Social interactions can be an indirect yet telling form of communication. Children may exhibit behaviors such as clinging to a caregiver, avoiding eye contact, or acting aggressively with peers. These actions can often be traced back to needs for safety, attention, or belonging (CSEFEL, 2008).
For example, a child who frequently interrupts others may be seeking connection or struggling with self-regulation. Similarly, a child who does not speak the language of those around them may act aggressively because they can not communicate their wants and needs.
Viewing behavior as communication shifts the focus from merely correcting behavior to addressing the underlying need. This compassionate approach promotes environments where children feel understood and supported, encouraging them to seek help constructively.
These environments also contribute to a sense of belonging and safety, core human needs. When there is a sense of safety and belonging, children can be more apt to communicate their needs openly, knowing they’ll be met with empathy (Fox & Lentini, 2006).
5 Tips to Remember with Challenging Behavior
We now understand the why behind behavior, but what can we do when we have someone in front of us displaying unexpected behavior? When handling those individuals, I find it best to keep in mind these five tips.
Remain Calm
We must do our best to remain calm in tense situations. The moment we raise our voices or lose our cool, we contribute to the escalation and display poor behavior in front of the child. As adults, we must be role models and remain cool as a cucumber.
Maintaining our cool will allow us to think more clearly rather than being in a maelstrom of emotional distress. So tap into your yogi spirit and go wooosah for those who are familiar with Bad Boys.
Unpack the Why
Trying to uncover the why behind the behavior is probably one of the most challenging parts because there can be many reasons why a child is acting the way they are. This is when it is a good idea to track when the behavior spikes. What is occurring? What is the environment like? Is it during a transition?
You must keep asking the questions and get multiple perspectives to truly nail down the why. When you question and explore, you’ll be better able to identify the antecedents driving the behavior and the why.
Viewing behavior as communication shifts the focus from merely correcting behavior to addressing the underlying need.
Support the Unmet Need
Once you identify the why behind the behavior, you need to address the why by teaching the skills. This can be done with role-playing, modeling, read-alouds, and so much more.
But one thing to keep in mind is that the behavior took X number of years to develop so it isn’t going to be a one-and-done lesson. You have to be in it for the long haul and provide multiple iterations of the lesson.
Remember, sometimes we take two steps forward and one step back. Be patient and consistent.
Be Consistent
When you figure out the why and begin supporting the unmet need, consistently support the child with the learning. The more exposure and consistency, the more likely the expected behavior will stick and the unexpected behavior will slowly fade away.
It will take time to teach the skill, but with consistency, you will get the child moving in the right direction.
Praise Progress
Praise, praise, praise. The more you can provide praise to the child as they work on developing their skill the better. However, make sure you praise the effort and not the outcome.
This aligns with Carol Dweck’s growth mindset theory which highlights the importance of praising the work one puts into accomplishing something rather than just the end goal.
One Last Thought
Our kids have so many stories. Stories that we know. Stories that we don’t. The unseen stories, the ones that are shrouded in trauma can explain the behaviors we sometimes see which is why we must lean in with empathy and care.
We must seek to understand the why behind our children’s behaviors. When we understand the why, then we will be able to rectify the challenges that manifest and provide our children with the skills to do and be better.
References
Behavior is Communication - Michigan Alliance for Families. (2024, August 6). Michigan Alliance for Families. https://www.michiganallianceforfamilies.org/behavior-is-communication/#:~:text=All%20behavior%20is%20a%20form%20of%20communication.&text=Adults%20and%20children%20are%20communicating,that%20something%20is%20not%20right.
Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning. (2008). Promoting children’s social and emotional development through preschool education. CSEFEL. Retrieved from https://csefel.vanderbilt.edu
Fox, L., & Lentini, R. (2006). “You got it!” Teaching social and emotional skills. Beyond the Journal, Young Children on the Web. National Association for the Education of Young Children. Retrieved from https://www.naeyc.org
Gartrell, D. (2012). A guidance approach for the encouraging classroom. Cengage Learning.
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