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Breathe. Nod your head. Keep your cool.
When having difficult conversations, these thoughts generally flood my mind. Whether with an individual or an entire group, the moment I don’t show my cool is the moment I fail as a leader.
Now, we aren't perfect. So there will be times when we break. Give a curt response. Or an exasperated sigh.
Leaders do not have the luxury of losing their cool. They can labeled a hot head, an emotional basketcase. They can shatter the trust of their colleagues and negatively impact their culture. All things we never want as leaders.
So, what can do we in those moments when we feel our blood boil, the heat rising from behind our ears flush across our face?
Be a thermostat and not a thermometer. Learn how to balance that heat so that you are even-keeled and levelheaded. Your colleagues will thank you and your building culture will thank you.
When you are engaged in a conversation, if one person is a thermometer, the other will start mirroring this behavior.
The moment you become a thermometer is the moment you can lose your credibility and the trust you’ve established with your people. Lean into compassion and empathy so that you respond in a way you will not regret.
In this week’s post, we'll learn about emotional regulation which is the fulcrum that impacts whether or not we become a thermostat or thermometer. Then, I’ll provide five tips to help you maintain composure during difficult conversations.
What is Emotional Regulation?
Amid a challenging conversation, it can be super hard to maintain your cool and try to see the bigger picture. Those individuals who have high emotional regulation can have greater success with difficult conversations.
Emotional regulation is “the ability to exert control over one’s own emotional state. It may involve behaviors such as rethinking a challenging situation to reduce anger or anxiety, hiding visible signs of sadness or fear, or focusing on reasons to feel happy or calm.”
Psychologist James Gross claims that at certain points, people can learn to control their emotions either before or after an event. Leading up to an emotional peak, antecedents can help warn you. If you tune yourself into these antecedents, you can prevent the emotion from escalating. After you’ve already had an emotional response, you can also use strategies to help de-escalate.
The more you take deep breaths (especially before you respond) the more likely you are to keep your cool.
When you experience an emotional event, the response can fall into two categories: suppression or reappraisal. I do not recommend that you suppress your emotions but rather use reappraisal which means you change how you think about something that caused your emotion. Use strategies to help you reframe an experience and don't get bogged down in the negativity or a heated situation.
When you are engaged in a conversation, if one person is a thermometer, the other will start mirroring this behavior. This is a common human thing we do. Be that steadfast, 70-degree thermometer that doesn’t respond to the sweltering heat. Be cool as a cucumber.
5 Tips to Stay Calm During Difficult Conversations
Years ago, I read Roger Ailes’ book You are the Message. Yes, I know he is a controversial figure, but his claim to be a thermostat rather than a thermometer can make your conversations way more fruitful, especially when you encounter heated individuals who might just be looking for you to react.
Here are five strategies for you to try next time someone increases the temperature in the room:
1. Maintain your breath
Getting more oxygen to those lungs and that brain can help you recenter your thoughts and find your zen during difficult moments. If you practice yoga or meditate, I’m sure you have heard how important breathing is to get the most out of the experience.
The same is true with your conversations. The more you take deep breaths (especially before you respond) the more likely you are to keep your cool. Now, I do want to caution - don’t take a breath and let out an audibly loud sigh. This can show frustration rather than the zen you need to be communicating.
Depending on the individual you speak to, this might not be the best emotion to reveal. They may be looking for a reaction and if they see through your breathing that you are frustrated, well, they won.
So keep those breaths in through your nose and back out, and let them slowly come out rather than be a big gust of anger.
2. Keep your body language open
Body language is everything when you are communicating with others. If you sit there with your arms crossed and a tight-lipped smirk or expression, then your frustration is seeping through.
Instead, try to hold your hands in your lap or keep them on the top of your legs or a desk. Crossing your arms is a big no-no as it shows the other person you are closed off and this is the last thing you want in any conversation, especially if it is challenging.
You also want to be mindful of your gaze. Maintain eye contact, but soften your gaze so that you aren’t staring daggers at them. Shaking your head as they speak to acknowledge you're with them can also help you maintain your cool and lower the temperature.
In the moment, humility can also help you hear the words and emotions of the other person and respond appropriately….
3. Acknowledge their emotions
Tell the other person you are listening and try to acknowledge their emotions. This can be challenging as you might misread their feelings and/or you might project your own feelings. Something you might say could be, “You seem frustrated right now and I’m so sorry you are experiencing this, especially if I caused your frustration.”
A phrase like this acknowledges their emotions while at the same time humbles yourself….. which leads me to the next point.
4. Stay humble
Lao Tzu got it right when he said, "All streams flow to the ocean because it is lower than they are. Humility gives it its power."
Being prideful or refusing to admit your faults and/or missteps will worsen any situation. It is the humble person who can admit fault and take ownership of their part in a situation who has the power.
Even though the words may sting in a difficult conversation, stay humble and reflect on those words after the fact when you have time to strip away your emotion to see if there is any validity to those words.
In the moment, humility can also help you hear the words and emotions of the other person and respond appropriately…. possibly with some questions.
5. Ask questions
I always love a good question, especially if it helps you understand a situation more. Asking, “Can you tell me more about that,” can be all you need in a difficult conversation.
You can even combine some of the tips in this post and say, “You seem saddened about that situation. I am sorry I contributed to the issue. Can you please tell me more about your experience?”
Questions deepen our thinking and also allow others to reflect along the way and get their heat out. Through questioning, you might find that the heated person is starting to regulate.
Practice your questioning technique though as you want to ensure the questions can lead to a lower temperature and not an instigation of emotions or combustion.
One Last Thought
When surrounded by a bunch of catasrophizers and thermometers, the tension and heat of any culture will rise. Consistent exposure to this type of environment can cause some serious damage to your school culture.
As leaders, it is our responsibility to be thermostats. To be the ones who can take the temperature of the room and gradually bring relief.
Meeting anger with anger or frustration with frustration does nothing to solve the issue. It only increases the problems and can cause what I like to call the swirly whirly of doom. People will spiral and bring the rest of us down with them into an infinite black hole.
Next time you encounter a rising thermometer, try some of these tips to calm yourself and the other person. Doing so will move you and your culture away from the event horizon and toward the light.
References
Emotion regulation. (n.d.). Psychology Today. Retrieved May 12, 2024, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/emotion-regulation#why-emotion-regulation-matters
Hogan, L. (2023). Be a thermostat, not a thermometer. Lara Hogan. https://larahogan.me/blog/be-a-thermostat-not-a-thermometer/
Rolston, A., & Lloyd-Richardson, E. (n.d.). Breaking the Cycle: Emotion dysregulation, reducing high emotional arousal, and self-injury. https://www.selfinjury.bctr.cornell.edu/perch/resources/what-is-emotion-regulationsinfo-brief.pdf
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