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I saw the email come through with just my child’s first name in the subject line. Nothing good can come from this. We were already six months into the school year and this wasn’t the first time I received an email from someone at the school.
But, it was the first time an email came from the principal.
My eyes frantically glossed over the words trying quickly to arrive at the zinger. What did he do? BINGO…. There it is… the reason he was sent to the principal’s office. Added to this, the principal was asking for a parent meeting. Couched within the request was a reference to the discipline manual and the leveled offense.
My insides felt hollow as my heart rate elevated and my face flushed. I knew we weren’t in a good position. I had often been on the other side of communications, contacting parents about their child’s transgression and the consequences. This particular email caused my emotions to heighten as it was my child who did something wrong.
To say that becoming a parent changed me simplifies things. The change is more than a switch being turned on or off or the passing of seasons. Becoming a parent fundamentally shifted my internal code. My value system. How I deal with others and their children.
I was an administrator for two years before becoming a parent. Looking back, I made mistakes that I know I wouldn’t have if I had been a parent. Now, this isn’t to say those who aren’t parents can’t lead with heart, empathy, and understanding - they can. They can be extremely successful and impactful. But for me, there was a cataclysmic shift when I became a mom.
The biological changes have caused me to be more in tune with every parent and child interaction I have had since my first child came into my life. And I would argue that being a parent has made me a better administrator and educator.
Since I’ve become a parent (of three now) and have almost eight years of administrative experience, I’ve learned that particular strategies can help any educator handle tough conversations with grace, heart, and professionalism. If you keep in mind the seven strategies I detail later in this post, you’ll be able to handle those tough conversations with parents and make the time more productive and focused on problem-solving.
Why Being a Parent Changes You
Before parenthood, when I would see a child struggle on a TV show or movie, I would feel for that child, but it is nothing like how I feel now. I can not watch the film AI with the young Haley Joel Osment (remember The Sixth Sense?) without bursting into tears. And don’t get me started on The Land Before Time. Now, I understand why my mom would cry when Little Foot’s mom passed away.
I feel emotion differently than I did before parenthood.
Turns out that becoming a parent alters your social connectedness and empathy ability which are needed for leadership. New mothers go through a process called synaptic pruning which also occurs during puberty whereby your brain loses some gray matter.
I know this sounds scary, like a lobotomy, but don’t worry, this isn’t One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Your brain naturally goes through this process to make way for other material to prepare you for adulthood or parenthood. It also makes your brain more efficient for neural transmissions.
When you become a mom, you lose some of that gray matter causing the dreaded “mommy brain.” But, you also make gains in other parts of the brain. You get superhuman powers that make you understand what another person may be feeling which is essential for any leader who must have high social intelligence.
While men don’t get to experience synaptic pruning, their brains still change. There are also hormonal shifts that make men more nurturing. They lose testosterone and cortisol and their estradiol (a form of estrogen) and prolactin increase causing men to be more nurturing.
As for the gray matter in their brains, parts that involve empathy and attachment increase but, some of these changes may not be permanent for men as they fade over time.
So what does this all mean? Until you walk in someone’s shoes, you will never know what they will experience. Parenthood can be the common denominator that allows us a window into the lives and experiences of others.
The biological changes have caused me to be more in tune with every parent and child interaction I have had since my first child came into my life. And I would argue that being a parent has made me a better administrator and educator. I lead with my mom heart.
7 Strategies For Productive Parent Meetings
One of the most difficult things to do as an educator is to contact home and let parents know that their child, their everything, is acting inappropriately or struggling academically. It is super uncomfortable as an educator to break this kind of news. But, if you follow some of the seven strategies below, you are sure to make monumental strides forward in your ability to take on the discomfort.
1. Adopt the parent perspective
Before making any sort of contact with parents, put your parent hat on. Understand that the person on the other side of the email, phone, or table has hopes, dreams, and desires for their child. I doubt one of those is being contacted by the teacher, counselor, or principal to let them know their child isn’t meeting whatever expectation.
Be positive and judgment-free. If you lead with your parent heart and the idea that you are there to support their child no matter what. The parent on the other line will sense this. Taking this perspective can also diffuse any anxiety or angst the parent may be feeling.
Emails can make things easier for certain communications, but when you need to have a tough conversation, it is so much better to pick up the phone and talk.
Schools exist for kids to make mistakes. We are in the growth business and growth does not occur without some missteps along the way. Explain this to parents as it will make whatever you need to contact them about more palatable.
Even if you are not a parent, empathize and imagine how your parents might feel. Or, if you have a niece or nephew, how you’d feel getting a message like the one you’re about to give. Lean into that parent perspective.
2. Share the positive first
This next one is a little challenging if you are an administrator who generally handles the discipline issues that pop up. Even then, the more positive messages you can send home about a parent’s child or the school community, the better.
Lead with the positive and create relationships with parents so that when you need to have those tough conversations, you’ll have laid the groundwork for a relationship. Plus, parents will know you are truly invested in their child, accolades and blemishes included.
3. Pick up the phone
We have become an email-centric society. Human contact is a rarity as individuals would rather send an email or DM. Emails can make things easier for certain communications, but when you need to have a tough conversation, it is so much better to pick up the phone and talk.
If you are sending home a less than glowing message, don’t allow it to be misinterpreted as this happened to parent me. I read an email differently than what was intended, which tainted my view of the entire reason for contact. If that person had just picked up the phone and spoke with me, I would have sensed in their voice and words their true intent.
Do yourself and the parent a favor and just pick up the phone.
4. Lead with the goal
When you're meeting with a parent, sending an email, or having a phone conference, make sure you lead with the goal in mind. Explain what the primary purpose is and what you hope to get from the conversation. This will help the parent focus on the message and allows you to guide the conversation.
What this might sound like after the pleasantries is, “Jess (I typically use first names), I wanted to give you a call because John had an incident at recess. I hope that we can problem solve together on ways we can ensure we are supporting John's growth so that we avoid situations like this in the future.”
If we unpack this statement, we see that I briefly described what happened and then immediately moved to a supportive stance. The language shows the parent that you care about their child and understand that all children make mistakes. I am also taking a collaborative approach (one of my core values).
When you begin with your goal in a non-threatening, problem-solving way, parents will tend to be more open to what you have to share and more inclined to work with you.
5. Come with a plan
Taking things a bit further from point four, you also have to have a plan in mind. Now, it doesn’t have to be super detailed but come with some ideas to support the growth and development of the child.
This is where you can use your team to help you out. Whether that is your grade level teachers, counselor, behavior therapist, administration, or other support persons, collaborate with others and create an arsenal of strategies you can put in place to help children in various situations.
One of the most frustrating things as a parent is getting a call or being in a meeting and only hearing that your child has been struggling or is a challenge. This probably isn’t news to the parent who may even be struggling at home. Come with ideas so that you can problem-solve together and strengthen your relationship with the parent.
6. Make it a dialogue
Now, before you jump to your plan, allow parents to ask questions or share their noticings at home. Very frequently, the same behaviors are occurring at home to some degree. Parents might have some pointers that the school could implement.
In other situations, the behaviors may only be occurring at school. If that is the case, the school needs to be ready to respond on how they can break the cycle of behavior and support the child's growth and development.
Treat the children within your class or school as if they were your own. Love them. Care for them. Hold them accountable, but do so with the parent perspective in mind.
When you give parents a voice in the conversation, you’ll strengthen your bond with them as they will understand you truly care about their perspective and what they have to offer to the conversation.
7. Follow up
After all is said and done, whether that is a phone conversation or an in-person meeting, make sure you follow up with the parents. Put a reminder in your calendar. Hopefully, that follow-up will be positive as the child is showing strides forward!
Even with these positive messages, pick up the phone and call. Hearing the parent’s voice as you share the good news makes all the challenges and struggles worth it. 🙂
One Last Thought
After that email I received, my husband and I, along with our little one, met with the school team. By the end, I felt like we had a clear path forward. Additionally, I felt like my son was surrounded by adults who truly cared about his social, emotional, and academic well-being.
I wonder if I had received a call instead, would my husband and I have entered the meeting on the defense? Looking back, I do not think we needed to be on the defense, but this got lost in translation. This simple act could have saved us all some anxiety and angst.
The next time you need to contact home, keep these seven strategies in mind. Treat the children within your class or school as if they were your own. Love them. Care for them. Hold them accountable, but do so with the parent perspective in mind.
References
Bornstein, M. H., Putnick, D. L., Rigo, P., Esposito, G., Swain, J. E., Suwalsky, J. T., ... & Venuti, P. (2017). Neurobiology of culturally common maternal responses to infant cry. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 114(45), E9465-E9473.
Jarrett, C. (n.d.). What causes people’s perspectives to change once they become parents? BBC Science Focus Magazine. https://www.sciencefocus.com/the-human-body/what-causes-peoples-perspectives-to-change-once-they-become-parents
Kim, P., Rigo, P., Mayes, L. C., Feldman, R., Leckman, J. F., & Swain, J. E. (2014). Neural plasticity in fathers of human infants. Social Neuroscience, 9(5), 522-535.
Kinsley, C.H. & Lambert, K.G. (2024, February 20). The maternal brain. Scientific American. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-maternal-brain/#
Rowden, A. (2023, July 26). Synaptic pruning: Definition, process, and potential uses. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/synaptic-pruning#how-does-it-work
Zetlin, M. (2022, Jan. 22). Here’s how parenthood changes you brain, making you a better leader. Inc.com. https://www.inc.com/minda-zetlin/brain-changes-parenthood-synaptic-pruning-new-mothers-fathers.html
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