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Think about a time when you felt heard….. Have something in mind? Now try to unpack this situation. What did the other person do to make you feel heard? Did they look you in the eye? Nod when you spoke? Acknowledge your emotions? Let you speak without interruption?
There are so many little things we can do to show we are not only listening, but also understanding what someone is saying. Out of all the communication skills, listening is probably one of the most challenging ones to master.
To do it well, listening requires us to suspend judgment and lean into what the other person is saying so that they truly feel heard. Simon Sinek has an incredible video on the art of listening. In it, he explains that one of the primary goals for the listener is to ensure that the person sharing their perspective and thoughts feels heard. With frequent opportunities to share, this feeling will compound itself over the years and create trust, strengthening any relationship.
In this post, you’ll learn why listening fosters relationships and creates a culture of trust. You’ll also walk away with some strategies that can help you begin to master the art of listening. By the end of this post, you’ll hopefully have some tools to be a listening aficionado!
What’s the Deal with Listening?
You got ears…. You listen… right? Not quite… There is so much more to listening than actually just hearing the words. According to Baker et al. (2019), there are three main components of listening: 1) listening for content, 2) listening for meaning, and 3) listening for feelings and values.
First, listening for content involves understanding what is being said and not being said through nonverbal communication. You can think of this component as the physical aspect of listening - hearing words and reading another’s body language. Nonverbal communication or “somatic leakage,” which I know sounds like a plumbing problem, is when the speaker communicates nonverbally which is equally important as someone using their words.
Then, there is listening for meaning and intent which takes things further. With this aspect of listening, you are trying to understand the speaker's intentions and what’s underneath the surface of what’s being said. Mastering this component requires practice, as you need to balance listening for content with listening for meaning and intent.
Finally, the pinnacle of listening involves feelings and values. Bring on the affect…. this is where emotions live. If a listener can get to this stage, then they can deepen their relationships and influence. From word choice, tone, and body language, you can discern the affect of an individual and possibly their values. You’re kind of like a detective - Clue style. You uncover the emotion lingering between words and embedded within body language.
So why is listening so important? You build relationships with people when you listen with intent, purpose, and understanding (Baker et al. 2019; Tyagi, 2013).
Listening also builds trust, and when you have relationships and trust, the sky is the limit. When we give people an opportunity to “empty their bucket,” they will be more inclined to listen to you. They had the chance to get everything out and will be more willing to reciprocate.
I love a good Stephen Covey quote, so here it goes…. “Seek first to understand and then to be understood.” When you truly try to understand another person through listening, at that moment you can then engage in dialogue so you mutually can be understood and move forward.
If we all just listened… really listened… can you imagine what we could accomplish?
Having exceptional listening skills can not just make your relationships more fulfilling, but you can get stuff done! People will be more productive when they feel valued and heard. Outside of showing support for others (which is very important) your team will work better and be able to resolve problems and possibly be more innovative (Tyagi, 2013).
When we don’t practice the art of listening, things can spiral and negativity will bloom like a bloomin’ onion (stinky and oily!). Individuals might feel devalued or that there is an underlying bias impeding the listener’s ability to understand. Also, the speaker may just feel that the listener doesn’t care or value them and has already made up their mind.
This type of thinking is toxic. If people think that minds are made up, then what’s the use of talking? What’s the use of sharing your feelings? Toxicity and animosity will fester like an open sore and eventually, infection will set in… I won’t go further with this analogy because it could get gruesome, so I hope you see where I’m going with this.
Nine Nitty-Gritty Listening Practices
Now that we know what listening is and why it is important, you might be wondering how you can become a better listener. Well, it comes down to nine nitty-gritty listening practices. If you pick a few to dive into, you’ll be on your way to building relationships and fostering trust.
1. Suspend judgment
Take off your judgy pants and be open to what the other person is saying. You never know what someone else is going through and how that could impact the way they are communicating. Even though in the moment it can be difficult, be empathetic. When we withhold judgment, it can help us better process what is being said. We must strip away our judgment and emotions from the situation and try to lean into the other person’s voice.
2. Lead with curiosity
When you’re engaged in listening, asking questions can help you dig deeper. Keep your questioning hat on and ask a simple, “Can you tell me more?” This phrase can open up the conversation and allow the other person to feel more comfortable to share their thoughts and feelings.
When you combine curiosity with zero judgment, you have a dynamic duo of how to approach listening.
3. Create a safe space
For someone to feel comfortable to share their thoughts, there also needs to be a safe space. When individuals feel like there won’t be judgment and sincere curiosity exists, then they’ll be more inclined to speak and share their thoughts and feelings.
If we want to be in a cycle of improvement, there needs to be communication and listening. For this to happen, safety must be established. Implementing norms can help foster a safe space. Norms can guide conversations and hold people accountable if they veer off course and go into negative, judgemental, or cruel territory.
4. Use Non-verbals
Communication involves more than just words. Our body language can show someone whether or not we care and are open to hearing them. For this reason, we must be mindful of how we express ourselves through non-verbals.
I used to work with someone who always folded their arms. As someone sensitive to others’ body language, I would feel uncomfortable around this person. I felt like they were not receptive to what I was saying and that they didn't care. I also saw the crossing of the arms as a power move, a way to express, “I am in charge and you are not.”
For these reasons and more, when engaged in conversation, be cognizant of your arms, stance, and gaze. Listening is a whole-body experience and involves way more than our ears. Simply shaking your head as someone speaks can show them that you are with them.
One final tip… at all costs avoid manspreading, putting your arms behind the back of your head, and putting your feet on a desk. All these are encroaching power moves that (besides being intrusive to personal space) send the message that you are trying to exert power or dominance. Not the best message if you are trying to make others feel comfortable.
5. Practice note-taking
Take out your paper and pen. Taking notes as someone speaks can show them that you are physically engaged with what they are saying. Before you begin taking notes, tell the other person that you’ll be listening to them and jotting down what they are saying. Be careful with this practice though, as in some situations it is better to just sit and listen and not take notes.
6. It’s not about you!
Here it is again - Q-TIP - quit taking it personally. When you listen to someone, remove yourself emotionally and try not to take things personally. Even if they are upset at you, give them the chance to air their grievances. The act of speaking and being heard can be very therapeutic for a relationship. Plus, once they are done, you can respond as you’ll have heard their entire point.
For some situations, it is also better to avoid bringing in your personal examples or experiences. Unless they ask for advice, lead with the thought that they just need to be heard.
7. Let ‘em go
Sometimes it is good to let 'em go in heated or highly emotional conversations. Let them get out all their concerns, questions, and frustrations. If you can let ‘em go, you might be able to acquire that precious trust. Just don’t break it by not making them feel seen, heard, and valued.
Allowing staff to air out their grievances can release some of the pressure in a building, especially as the year goes on and anxieties and tension rise. If you keep the pipes closed, the pressure continues to build and build, and eventually… KABOOM… big explosion.
However, there may be some conversations when you need to redirect the speaker, especially if others are being attacked. Overall, letting people have the autonomy to speak their minds can help you arrive at solutions more readily because they will have had the opportunity to be truly heard.
8. Validate their emotions
This is a big one… validate the speaker’s emotions. Doing so will create connection and trust. So when someone expresses how they feel or you can discern how they might feel, let them know. If they share something that you know made them frustrated, tell them you understand with a simple, “That must have been frustrating for you.”
Being empathetic can build your relationship and connection with others, essential components to trust.
9. Share that you understand
Summarizing at the end of a conversation or throughout can help you communicate to the other person that you truly hear them. For me, adding in these summarizing moments helps me process what they are saying. So it is a win-win. One win for the other person being heard and the second win for helping the listener understand what’s being said.
One Last Thought
A few years ago, there was a situation where my teammates and I had to humble ourselves and just listen. We began holding drop-in sessions for our staff to make ourselves available and listen to their concerns and questions. In one particular session, staff voiced concerns over a safe space we established for students. Some staff were completely on board with the idea while others had concerns.
Philosophically, we wanted to keep the room open, but we knew as a team that we had to concede to some of the points they raised. In the moment, when they shared their thoughts, we had to suspend judgment, truly listen, and try to understand their perspective.
After the meeting, I remember one teammate vocalizing how frustrated they were that everyone was “complaining.” They weren’t listening to understand. They allowed their emotions to impede their ability to be with the teachers who were just sharing how they felt.
I know we are all human and practicing the type of listening I am describing is extremely challenging to do, especially when we feel like we are being attacked. But if you can follow even a few of the nine nitty-gritty practices above, you’ll build a community where individuals will feel seen, valued, and heard.
What's more, you’ll have trusting relationships that can propel your community forward, inspiring innovation and problem-solving so that you can be a powerhouse community.
References
Baker, E. L., Dunne-Moses, A., Calarco, A. J., & Gilkey, R. (2019). Listening to understand: a core leadership skill. Journal of Public Health Management and Practice, 25(5), 508-510.
Covey Stephen R. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Restoring the Character Ethic. Rev ed. New York, NY: Free Press; 2004.
Tyagi, B. (2013). Listening: An important skill and its various aspects. The Criterion An International Journal in English, 12(1), 1-8.
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