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“I’m sorry.” Two very simple words that can be excruciating to say or completely overused, especially by women.
Driving to work last week, I landed on the latest episode of the How to Be Awesome at Your Job podcast. In “How - and Why - to Stop Overapologizing,” Shira Miller explains how harmful overapologizing can be personally and professionally.
Interestingly, I recently had to apologize to someone and, cards on the table, I was in the wrong. I said something uncharacteristic because I was in an extremely stressful situation. Thankfully, even though I made that statement weeks ago, the individual brought it to my attention because it was weighing on them.
At first, I was appalled by the statement. Did I really say that?! I couldn’t even believe that I would. But after digging into the recesses of my mind, I realized I did. 🤦♀️
I profusely apologized and thankfully, they accepted it. Effective apologies in the workplace not only repair relationships, but also demonstrate professionalism and emotional intelligence (Kim et al., 2004).
Leaders who apologize sincerely are often perceived as more trustworthy and competent. I am just thankful this person provided me the opportunity to apologize rather than harboring ill will.
But what happens when we say, “I’m sorry,” too much for things outside our control? Or when we enter a conversation? Can it harm us?
According to Miller, absolutely.
Now, in my situation, an apology was warranted. But there are times I say, “I’m sorry,” when I probably shouldn’t. And, if you really start to notice, it is mainly women who are the culprits of overapologizing. Regardless of the psycho-social reason, overapologizing can be harmful.
In this week’s post, I will first unpack overapologizing and why it can damage your relationships and psyche. Then, I’ll provide a simple structure on how to apologize effectively. By the end of this post, you'll be more cognizant of the do's and don'ts of apologizing and empowered to stop overapologizing.
Unpacking Overapologizing
“I’m sorry to interrupt, but do you have a minute?”
I can’t tell you how many times I have used this phrase - whether it is at work or in personal settings. In “How - and Why - to Stop Overapologizing,” Miller explains that when we interject and lead with an “I’m sorry” we immediately put ourselves at a deficit and make it appear that we are less than. We make it seem like we are an imposition and that their time matters more than ours. We inadvertently create a power structure and dynamic.
Instead, she suggests individuals lead with, “If you have a moment, I have something important to share with you.” These are words of ownership. You are being polite and mindful of the other person’s time while at the same time affirming that your voice and what you have to say matters.
I disagree with Miller's claim that we shouldn't say, "I'm sorry" when we enter a conversation. If we just barge right in without acknowledging whatever the other person is involved in, we might appear rude and/or intrusive. Interjecting is a balance. You should lead with an "excuse me" or "I'm sorry," but your tone should be authoritative and kind rather than conciliatory.
Leaders who apologize sincerely are often perceived as more trustworthy and competent.
Additionally, Miller argues that when we overapologize, it can destroy our credibility. If you’re sorry for everything, especially for things outside of your control (ie. the weather or traffic), then your words will matter less and less. She makes a specific point that saying “I’m sorry that it is raining” is foolish because we have no control over the weather.
While meeting with some co-workers, a peer specifically called out another because she apologizes for everything. My peer said, “Why are you always saying sorry? You don’t have to apologize for everything, especially because it is not your fault.”
This peer was visibly frustrated with the overapologizing, which I'm sure wasn’t the other’s intent. So instead of saying “I’m sorry” for everything and as a way to show empathy, connect, or make others feel better, hold onto those two powerful words for when it really matters.
How to Apologize and Build Trust
We are not perfect beings and apologizing is part of the human condition. Sincere apologies are foundational to maintaining healthy relationships, building trust, and promoting understanding. When we craft an apology articulately, clearly, and sincerely, we can repair the harm we’ve done and strengthen our bonds with others. Additionally, apologizing is a release.
Imagine if we never apologized or owned our actions. The tension and negativity would build and build kind of like when we shake a soda bottle. Eventually, that bottle will explode. 💥 And that is what we want to avoid.
According to Risen and Gilovich (2007), apologies help restore a sense of fairness and address the emotional needs of the offended party. They also promote social harmony by demonstrating humility and respect. So rather than building that tension, when we apologize, the air is slowly released like when we thoughtfully, methodically twist the soda bottle cap.
To deliver an effective apology, consider these 5-steps:
1. Acknowledge responsibility
The first step in an effective apology is to accept responsibility. This involves explicitly stating what you did wrong without deflecting blame. According to Schumann (2014), apologies that include an acknowledgment of responsibility are perceived as more sincere and are more likely to lead to forgiveness.
Never say, “I’m sorry you feel that way” as this would be a sure way to destroy your relationship. You are not owning your actions when you make this statement. Instead, you could say, “I’m sorry I interrupted you during the meeting; it was disrespectful.” The latter statement directly addresses the specific behavior and shows accountability.
In “How - and Why - to Stop Overapologizing,” Miller explains that when we interject and lead with an “I’m sorry” we immediately put ourselves at a deficit and make it appear that we are less than.
2. Be timely
If you know you are at fault, do not wait. When we wait and wait, the relationship and trust will erode. Try to respond promptly. Doing so will also show that you value the relationship and want to repair the harm you have caused.
3. Choose the right medium
Apologizing face-to-face conveys sincerity and courage (Lewicki et al., 2016). Now, if you apologize face to face, but feel like you want to say more, then write a letter or email by all means. This can be particularly helpful for my fellow introverts. You are still making human contact while intentionally saying what you need to say.
4. Be specific & open
When you apologize, make sure you clearly articulate what you did wrong and acknowledge its impact on the other person. Highlight how it may have made them feel or if it added another challenge for them to overcome. Put on that empathy hat and try to wear that person’s shoes.
An apology should convey genuine remorse and understanding of the harm caused. Words like “I regret,” “I feel terrible about,” or “I’m deeply sorry” are important for expressing empathy and regret.
Tangney et al. (2007) emphasize that the emotional tone of the apology significantly impacts its effectiveness. How we say something matters just as much as what we say. Demonstrating that you understand the emotional impact of your actions fosters connection and trust.
And whatever you do, do not become defensive. This is not a battle or war. If you become defensive, you will further destroy your relationship and credibility. Research by Exline et al. (2012) shows that defensiveness in apologies can exacerbate conflicts and diminish the likelihood of forgiveness - and that is the last thing you want.
So instead of saying “I’m sorry” for everything and as a way to show empathy, connect, or make others feel better, hold onto those two powerful words for when it really matters.
5. Follow through
If you offer to make amends, ensure that you fulfill your promise. When you make amends, you could replace something that you broke (metaphorically or literally) or commit to changing future behavior.
Leunissen et al. (2013) found that apologies accompanied by restitution efforts are more likely to be accepted, as they demonstrate a willingness to take tangible steps to address the harm. The key though is you actually have to try to change the behavior. If you revert to the same behavior, then, say "bye-bye" to trust and credibility.
One Last Thought
A good friend of mine, who wound up passing away in a car crash at the age of 17, asked me when we worked at Burger King, “Why do you apologize so much? You keep saying you’re sorry when you don’t have to be.”
Of course, “I’m sorry,” passed through my lips, and I giggled afterward. One of the reasons I overapologized was I was an uncertain, self-conscious young woman. And unfortunately, some of those bad habits, have stayed with me.
But, it’s a new year, and what better New Year’s resolution than to be more cognizant of when and why I’m saying, “I’m sorry.”
So, I’m sorry if I’ve said, “I’m sorry” too much. I will reserve these words for when they are actually warranted. 🙂
References
Exline, J. J., Deshea, L., & Holeman, V. T. (2012). Is apology worth the risk? Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 31(2), 169–198.
Kim, P. H., Ferrin, D. L., Cooper, C. D., & Dirks, K. T. (2004). Removing the shadow of suspicion: The effects of apology and denial for repairing competence- versus integrity-based trust violations. Journal of Applied Psychology, 89(1), 104–118.
Leunissen, J. M., De Cremer, D., & Reinders Folmer, C. P. (2013). An instrumental perspective on apologizing in bargaining: The importance of forgiveness to apologize. Journal of Economic Psychology, 35, 70–79.
Lewicki, R. J., Polin, B., & Lount, R. B. (2016). An exploration of the structure of effective apologies. Negotiation and Conflict Management Research, 9(2), 177–196.
Risen, J. L., & Gilovich, T. (2007). Target and observer differences in the acceptance of questionable apologies. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 92(3), 418–433.
Schumann, K. (2014). The psychology of offering an apology: Understanding the barriers to apologizing and how to overcome them. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 23(3), 174–180.
Tangney, J. P., Stuewig, J., & Mashek, D. J. (2007). Moral emotions and moral behavior. Annual Review of Psychology, 58, 345–372.
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